Sleepless Nights

Psalm 127 says that the Lord grants sleep to those he loves. But on nights like this, I think that he withholds sleep because I pray almost the whole time I can't sleep. I am sitting in front of this computer, barely able to see it because I don't have my contacts in...so if you care to, you can picture me squinting away at the screen, hoping I am not misspelling something.

I had the privilege to share the Gospel with a young woman today. It was such a joy...let me try to explain.

Joy is something I have a hard time accessing. Some of my more recent conversations with God have been about the joy missing from my life, joy that I feel I should have, as a redeemed person. I mean, simply having salvation should be enough to bring joy to my life, but I find in my case, it doesn't. In my natural self, I am subject to all kinds of shifting emotions, most of them falling on the side of anxiety, fear and depression. And this bleeds into my walk with Christ. I have, at times, despaired of my salvation, fearing that because I am unable to access joy that I cannot truly be saved. I no longer think this is the case. God has graciously assured me that I am in His grip, for eternity, and now I just ask him to pour out His Spirit in my life so that I may experience joy.

This process of His pouring out the Spirit in my life, it doesn't necessarily look like I think it should. It is an often painful, self-crucifying process, that is focused on my wayward emotions and my sinful reactions to them. But sometimes, like tonight, joy is bestowed. I don't know how long this wave of joy will last, but I will ride it as long as He allows.

I have been intent on sharing the Good News for a few months now, finally culminating in a few meetings with friends. Tonight, though, was different...this young woman, she was searching, and God was working in her, I could literally see it by the tears running down her face. I saw so much of myself in her, and we really connected beyond what my human flesh could work. The Holy Spirit was bringing conviction, and it was all I could do to get out of the way.

In the process, Jesus reminded me of my own journey, and of the places that He rescued me from. He reminded me of where I was emotionally, and how since running to Him, I have never felt that type of spiritual bankruptcy, that type of soul-darkness that I used to walk around with. He took from me darkness, hopelessness, despair, and dirtyness, and He gave to me light, peace, hope, faith, and purity. Have I given up things in order to follow Him? Yes. But those things led to death, and I was able to tell her, without a moment's hesitation, that HE IS WORTH IT.

HE IS WORTH IT.

He is good and just and holy and righteous. How beautiful those words are compared to the words I would use to describe the one I followed before Him. HE IS WORTH IT. Life with Him is amazing, something I never could have imagined before I came to Him. Whatever He has asked me to sacrifice in order to follow Him, I realize now it was a sacrifice He requested in love, and grace, and a desire that I be conformed to His image. What amazing love, what incredible grace, what boundless mercy. Everything in me praises Him tonight. Everything in me praises His holy name.

Thank you, Father, for joy.