On May 15, 2008 I began a process of seeing things differently. Actually, I began a process of doing things differently. I went to work that day and got fired for a series of things I had been in trouble for doing at that job over the period of a year. It does me no good at all to make any points about what other people at that job have done wrong as well, or about how some people were prone to exaggeration, or anything at all about anyone except me, because ultimately it all boils down to the things that I did that put me in a place of reproach. One day I might lose my job over something that was not my fault, at which point I pray that God will be with me in a mighty way on that day so that I would be able to receive punishment while not being guilty so that others might know that I'm a child of God, but for now, I was guilty as sin. Which brings me to my next point.
Michelle and I got to work right away to find me another job and prepare for things to be beyond tight. We weren't going to have enough money to pay our bills or eat unless God showed up. Now, I have been in this kind of a position enough before to know that God could very easily do whatever He wanted as far as providing for our needs. That meant that I wasn't taking things too seriously. Michelle helped me see how much of a ripple effect this would have on us as a family and it began to sink in. I didn't want to feel like I had failed, but I had. I didn't want to recognize that I'm still suffering from the same mental problem that I had when I was a maniacal child, but I was. And I certainly didn't want to think about how much more I could be doing to be more of a man after God's own heart, with an emphasis on the being a man part, but I knew that if I didn't then I would be running from God in a most disasterous direction. I was stuck between the Rock and a hard place.
About a week after the main event, there was an evening where some of Michelle's frustration about the situation kept me in the kitchen after she went off to bed. I was glued to the chair because I began to think about whether or not I was going to let my shortcomings determine my relationship with God and others, as well as my abilty to serve him by loving others. I started to think of what it might take for me to finally pay attention, focus, and apply myself consistently. I knew that God would be there to help me and encourage me, as well as be my strength, so how could I walk away from so great a challenge now, especially when I was sitting there with the sour taste of defeat in my mouth? I grabbed some paper and a pen and began to make a list of all the areas in my life that I knew needed discipline. I started with areas pertaining to my relationship with God, then family, then self, then others (it should probably be others before self, but that's how I wrote it). I was startled to see two very obvious things: the list wasn't that complicated, and the list covered every aspect of my life! So while it was a shock to see how plain it all looked on paper, it was aslo apparent that my whole life was lacking discipline and consistency.
I knew it would be a good idea to document my progress in these categories, so I went and bought several inexpensive notebooks to jounal in. I also approached a man in our group about accountability and he accepted my proposal. My pastor also stepped a little further into my life to offer encouragement, ask about things, and lay out challenges. Then the rain came.
Oh, how sweet it is. The smell and taste of rain on dust covered ground. Support for our family began to come from every direction - food, money, sidejobs, a giftcard, encouragement, opportunities to share the gospel with people we've prayed for, and a job! I drive an easy route to work that's faster and will save gas, I get paid a dollar more an hour, drive a forklift, won't be in the sun/rain, my insurance will start after 30 days, and I work 8-4:30 Mon-Fri. Wow. My father-in-law simply said, "You can't beat God's grace." When he said that I instantly thought of what Paul wrote, "...where sin increased, grace increased all the more...What shall we say then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means!" (Rom. 5:20/6:1) These verses are used to talk about sin, death, and righteousness by grace, which is the nature of God, and His nature has been made very apparent in my life right now. Thank you Lord!
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